Five Left Feet

Can You Feel It?

2009-01-20T13:39:00.003-05:00

There's a change out there. An electricity in the air. We have a new leader of the free world and his name is Barack Obama.

Never before have I seen such excitement, such fervor around a presidential election. And I'm willing to bet that won't happen again in my life time. It was almost like watching a rock star rise to lead this country, complete with rhinestone studded t-shirts proclaiming our loyalty.

He promises change; big change. Do I think he can bring it? Yes, I do. But here's my concern. How long will we give him to make those changes? I hope, really, really hope, that we understand that our economy is probably going to get worse before it gets better. And it's going to take a while before things in Iraq are straightened out. Health care and health insurance? The educational system? The list goes on and on, and I worry that with our get it now, microwave it, follow the news on my cell phone, don't have the time to wait for it dammit society we have that we don't really grasp that President Obama probably won't have bluebirds singing on every windowsill by this time next year. Or maybe even the year after that. I sincerely hope that this honeymoon thing we, the people, have going on with the new president doesn't turn to anger when, even after his first term is done, some of the kinks are still being worked out.

So, please, let's not forget that we all need to roll up our sleeves and work this thing through. And be patient. And excited for what the future holds.

I am.

How Low Can You Go?

2009-01-16T07:50:00.003-05:00

Living in NE Ohio we see some pretty brutal winters. And today is just another example. Not so much with the snow; we get that, lord yes, we get snow, but today it's just the bitter cold. According to the local news it's -12 right now and that's before the wind chill. Schools everywhere are closed due to the extreme cold. And can you believe it? Kayla was upset about it.

About a month ago I decided on a whim to have a fun day with my daughter. Being the horrible, awful parent I am I called her off school "sick" and when she woke up I, with a stupid grin on my face, told her what I'd done. She was quiet for a moment, then her face just crumpled and the tears started to fall. Hard.

"What? What's wrong?"

"But I WANT to go to school!"

"Really?"

"YES!"

I felt bad. Really horrible. I mean, what kind of mother was I? I know if my mother had done that when I was her age I'd be dancing in the street but apparently times had changed. This was now some sort of child abuse.

So I told her we'd all get ready for the day and I'd get her to school around lunch time. She cried harder.

"But what if I miss something really fun before then?!?"

All righty. I suggested if she hurried up and got ready fast (a miracle in and of itself) I could get her to school close to the first bell. Hell, I may be such a super mom that she might not even get a tardy for this.

The crying stopped. Just like that.

"Welllllll, maybe I changed my mind."

"You changed your mind?"

"Yeah. I wanna stay home."

"But... But..." insert your own confused look here "You were just sobbing because you didn't want to miss school."

"I'm over it."

Your "Ewwww!" Moment of the Day

2009-01-06T14:21:00.003-05:00

Not that I could ever outdo Hallie for a gross post - she has the most, errr, interesting(?) Morbid Monday posts - nor would want to even try. I just wanted to share this with you. You'll thank me later. I promise. (Heh heh heh...)

Anyone wanna take a guess what that is? Anyone?

Anyone?

No? Ok, I'll tell you. As our dear peach of a daughter reads herself to sleep she apparently picks her nose and wipes it on the wall above her headboard. Please feel free to click on the image to get the full effect.

No. 2's anyone?

2008-12-31T18:40:00.003-05:00

As I take stock this New Year's Eve, both of my physical and emotional health, I look at things I'd like to improve. Emotionally I want to be more patient with my kids. I want to reclaim a little bit more of the person I used to be; not necessarily be less "Mom", but more Lori. Do more of the things that I'm interested in. Physically? God, I don't know anyone who doesn't have a list of improvements they want to make. While looking at myself I remember something my mom told me once - your boobs are officially saggy when you can lift one up, put a pencil under there, and when you let go the pencil stays put. Probably never to be found again. After nursing 3 children I'm pretty sure I can hide an entire pack of those biggie pencils (like we used in first grade, remember?) under one boob.

I hate resolutions.

I should just let this go

2008-12-30T14:50:00.002-05:00

But I can't. I just can't.

I had to see what Scarlett Johanson's dirty tissue sold for on Ebay. God, I hope you're sitting down. Ready? $5,300.00. Five THOUSAND three hundred dollars. And people say we're in a recession.

I wonder what I can sell my snot for?

Today's quote compliments of my daughter

2008-12-22T19:43:00.002-05:00

"When the dinosaurs were around, it's too bad they didn't have blenders!

Yeah, I don't get it either.

Please help the little guy

2008-12-19T14:23:00.004-05:00

I'm a crafter. I love to knit, make jewelry, I'm learning to sew, and if you've seen it on Martha Stewart, odds are, I've tried it. I'm also a big fan of Etsy, a fabulous site where you can buy anything (and I do mean anything) that has been hand made.

Recently, the Consumer Products Safety Improvement Act (CPSIA) was passed to rightfully improve the safety of children's products and was a direct result of last year's scare of imported toys from China that contained lead and other toxins. This act, while a good idea in theory but not so good in actual practice, will go into effect February 10, 2009 and will force many smaller, and some larger, domestic toy and clothing manufacturers to shut down. The majority of those affected are anyone from merchants at craft fairs who use natural products to larger businesses that have gained your trust over the years. The mother who sews childrens' clothes or the gentleman who carves trains out of untreated wood will have to choose between paying the $4,000 per item fee to have it tested or illegally continue to sell their products. Great companies like Melissa and Doug, Hearthsong, and Magic Cabin will likely be affected, too. You can read more about the act itself and the impact of it on businesses at CoolMomPicks.com. This site also includes other links about the issue and how you can help. Clicking the 'Save the Home Made' button on my site will also take you to the same page.

Please help these quality manufacturers out. It only takes a few minutes of your time, and what would you be doing otherwise? Bidding on Scarlett Johanson's tissue? It's over $3,200 now.

But wait! There's MORE!

2008-12-18T17:10:00.002-05:00

Do you follow celebrities and their every move? Are you addicted to the E! channel? Do you get your news from the National Enquirer? Fess up, you know I'm talking about you, so I ask you this question. How much would you pay for a piece of fame? What's it worth to own something that someone famous used to have, say, like their snot?

I'm serious. Famous snot is up for grabs on Ebay. Scarlett Johanson's snot, to be exact. Don't believe me? Check it out for yourself. But it's not just ordinary snot, no! It's signed snot, and it can be yours, my friend for (please hold while I check the current going price) $2,151.00. I know that sounds expensive for nasal mucous, but keep in mind it's free shipping. And you could probably still get it in time for Christmas.

Yo Gabba WHAT?

2008-12-12T11:54:00.004-05:00

Up to now I have avoided seeing the children's show, Yo Gabba Gabba. But, milking a slow morning with all of my kiddos in school, I flipped through the channels and decided to see what the fuss was about.

Now, I've never taken acid in my life, but I have to imagine this is what it would be like. I watched, both fascinated and horrified, for a few minutes. That's all my brain could take before it exploded. I think this household will continue to run like hell from watching that ever again. Ever.

On a side note, though, does anyone else think DJ Lance Rock looks an awful lot like Barack Obama? AND you never see the two of them in the same place AT THE SAME TIME??? Just something to think about.

Tag! You're it!

2008-12-12T11:00:00.002-05:00

My good friend, Michelle, tagged me for a Meme, so here we go:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they've been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Six random things. Hmmmm...

1. I taught my daughter some sign language before she could talk and it works wonders!!! I'd love to take a class in ASL and become more fluent. It's a beautiful language.
2. I went to high school and was good friends with someone who became insanely famous. We still keep in contact and they are still a very good, down-to-earth person.
3. I lived in Richmond, Virginia for a few years and still miss the area to this day. It's a gorgeous, history rich area.
4. I love all things crafty. I've taught myself to knit, decorate cakes, and make jewelry. I'm in the process of learning to sew.
5. I am 7 years older than my only sibling and I tormented her to no end when we were children.
6. I have a beautiful 7 year old daughter and 4 year old identical twin boys. There are no twins in my family and they were conceived the old fashioned (read "fun") way. Neither of my pregnancies were planned.

Ok, now for the people I'm tagging:
1. Laugh, Mom
2. Nothing Shocks Me Anymore
3. Triple the Fun Plus 2
4. Wonderful World of Weiners
5. Poop and Boogies
6. Burgh Baby

We're elves!!!

2008-12-12T10:38:00.001-05:00

How fun is this??? Seriously?!? Brett's none too thrilled with the picture I had to use of him, but let's face it. We're usually the ones behind the camera so it was slim pickins for the two of us. Anyway, watch, point, laugh, then make an elf of yourself and send it to me.

The Burlingame Dancing Elves

Single Ladies

2008-12-07T12:12:00.001-05:00

Happily providing nightmares since... Well, since now.

Drumroll please!

2008-12-06T21:00:00.005-05:00

Since I got the sappy post out of the way, I can safely post pics of the train cake. Personally, I think it looked better in person, but here ya go. Not too shabby, but I could still use some practice. At any rate, it was tasty and that's what counts. :-)

My babies are 4

2008-12-06T20:17:00.004-05:00

Dear Ryan and Alec,

Your daddy and I found out when I was 12 weeks pregnant that there were not one but two of you in there. We still haven't recovered from the shock.

And then at 18 weeks when you were diagnosed as being mono-amniotic/mono-chorionic twins and you scared the crap out of us. We wanted to feel you move so bad just to know you were all right, but not too much because that meant your umbilical cords might tangle and choke off your life's blood.

Just a few weeks after that we saw the separating membrane on the ultrasound and your daddy and I jumped for joy. It was short lived. We found out you suffered from twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome, a deadly and frightenly progressive disease. Four days later Daddy and I were in Milwaukee for laser surgery to save your tiny lives. After surgery I was on strict bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy, all 3-1/2 months of it. I had nothing else to do than to wonder if you would be okay. If you would survive the rest of the pregnancy. If you did happen to survive, if you would make it through your birth. If you lived through birth, would you have any neurological problems. If. If. If.

Four years ago this morning (7:25 and 7:26 a.m.) you were born 7-1/2 weeks before your original due date. You seemed so impossibly small; together you didn't weigh as much as your sister when she was born and not even as long as my forearm. With only a month in NICU under your belt you came home with us on New Year's Eve. We will always remember that as the best New Year's celebration of our lives.

And look at you now. Four years old. We have watched what seems like endless firsts; sitting up, crawling, words, walking, running, jumping, riding bikes. And there are endless firsts to come; school days, dating, driving, marriage, children of your own. Children that you can't begin to understand how fiercely you'll love them until they are in your arms. Ryan, Alec, you are tough little guys. There are not words enough in the universe to let you know how much we love you. Thank you for being our family.

Mom & Dad

My inner Martha unleashed!

2008-12-03T17:17:00.004-05:00

Ryan and Alec will be 4 on Saturday. Where does time go? One minute their teeny tiny li'l guys only as long as my forearm and now they're able to do so many things on their own. Like smack each other around and tattle on each other. Just like they're doing now.

To celebrate, I decided I'd dig deep and do the Wonder Stay-At-Home Mom Thing and bake a spectacular cake. Since they both love trains, what better cake could there possibly be? So, the internet being my bestest friend, I looked at train cakes and was simply awestruck. Seriously, look at some of these cakes!

After looking through lots of pictures, I picked this cake as my inspiration.

I think the hardest part will be making that kid in the background. I'll let you know how it all turns out.

Why you should always use your own toilet.

2008-12-03T11:59:00.001-05:00

Aim high, kids

2008-11-25T08:38:00.002-05:00

Mommy works at Home Depot and is selling a shovel

Slight edit to let you know that I received this as a forwarded email lest you think that my kids drew this and I have random men throwing money at me to buy my spectacular shovel.

What other letters can you make?

2008-11-21T11:13:00.002-05:00

When do boys learn how to aim on the toilet? I am so tired of walking into any one of our 3 bathrooms to have it smell like a urinal at Jacob's Field. But I guess being able to swirl it around in so many directions has it's perks.

Lately Ryan and Alec love to visit the bathroom together and I know this because one will call to the other, "Hey Alec/Ryan! I gotta pee. Let's go make an X!" This means they will stand on opposite sides of the toilet and cross streams. I can see the fun in that. I mean, seriously! What girl, at one point or another, want to try that just once?

Okay, maybe it was just me. But I digress.

Just yesterday they were making, like, the best X EVER! and when I poked my head around the corner to make sure that X was going in the water and not up my walls, I saw Ryan trying to catch Alec's stream. Being the germaphobe I am, I went white. He had no idea why I didn't see the humor in this like he did. After all, what better family entertainment is there than catching your brothers urine? And, despite my nursing friend telling me that urine is actually a sterile fluid, Ryan washed his hands. A lot.

Boys and their, uhhh... Toys. Yeah. Toys.

2008-11-17T09:41:00.003-05:00

What is it with boys that, once they find that ol' penis, it becomes the most interesting (and hey! It's portable!) toy they've ever had? Alec, for the longest time would to anything to get his to stand straight up. The (very) short list includes (all of these are when either getting ready for bath time or actually being in the tub):
-laying prone on the floor and then raising his hips off the floor so the little bugger would kinda stick to the floor for a moment before popping off.
-sticking it to the side of the bathtub and then sloooooowly pulling it away.
-holding it under the running faucet water.

Until now, Ryan has mostly left his alone. But now (cue the chorus) he's found it! And it's his bestest friend. The other day I was in the bathroom with him while he was going potty and he used his penis as a puppet to talk to me. There's something a little disconcerting about seeing your son holding on to his penis with his fingers, wagging it around and making it say, "Hi Mom! How are you today?" That's just weird. Funny, but weird. And I know that, being three and all, they don't put the stigma on their genitals that adults do, but still. I tell them that their pee-pees are just for them and they shouldn't show them to other people, but I'm holding my breath, just waiting for that call from preschool when I hear about Ryan's puppet show.

Wheeeeee!

The Ups & Downs of Children

2008-10-30T14:56:00.005-04:00

I love my kids. I've realized since starting a family that there is no one, not even my husband, whom I will ever love as fiercely (Brett comes in a very close second, though - love ya, honey!). There will also be no one who annoy the crap out of me like they do. And I'll never, EVER worry about anyone as much as I worry about them.

We've always known Kayla was sort of flighty. She is in advanced classes in her school and Brett and I have spoken with parents of advanced children. They all say the same thing - keeping them focused is hard work. Their minds just seem to want to explore everything at once. Even so, it never ceases to amaze me the things that just get by Kayla. For instance, the other morning I was split between getting the kids ready for school and doing paperwork so when Kayla came down for breakfast I only noticed that she had her clothes on that we had picked out for her. I say this because, even though we pick out her clothes together, sometimes she decides to put on her own outfit that is, how should I say this, unique. Very unique. Fast forward to when she gets home from school. She walked in the door ready for her bear hug that is always waiting for her but before I can grab her up, I notice something. The front of her pants is all poofy. I looked a little closer and sure enough, she had her pants on backwards. This isn't the first time she's done this, either.

"Kayla? Did anyone say anything to you about your pants today?"

"No. Why?" she says, all bewildered-like and, here's the kicker, putting her hands into her back pockets which are now in the front and still not noticing anything amiss.

"Welllllll, hon, they're on backwards. Didn't you notice?"

"Nope," she replied in the most chipper voice ever.

Mmmm-hmmm.

This worries me, but not nearly as much as the conference I had with her gifted teacher. To prepare for the conference all the kids in the gifted class brought home a packet in which the kids were to identify things they'd like to improve on during the school year then outline a creative way to work on these goals. One of Kayla's goals was to learn to focus better. Kayla and I arrived at the conference, she and her teacher reviewed her goals, and then I discussed them with the teacher. She told me that Kayla's lack of focus was her only concern about her as well, so much so that we might want to consider having her tested for ADD. She said that Kayla has fantastic potential and showed me a few test scores where her numbers were through the roof. She just has issues staying focused on her school work long enough to complete it. Often, if she does complete it, she's made errors that could have easily been avoided if she'd been paying more attention.

Obviously the news makes me nervous. We've got a child who is amazingly smart but runs the risk of falling through the cracks if she can't focus enough to get the basics down pat. Keeping in mind that she hasn't been tested and therefore diagnosed, I'm trying like hell not to jump the gun here and go into full panic mode. But it's hard not to do that. I'm a born worrier. So I turn to you. If anyone has any tips or advice, my ears are wide open. Thanks.

Say I wanted to mail your ass a letter...

2008-10-21T16:28:00.002-04:00

I totally wish I were this quick-witted when telemarketers call.

I've had this very same problem with my own cell phone.

Holy crap! We won!

2008-10-14T17:45:00.002-04:00

The Browns, that is. We played the NY Giants last night. The UNDEFEATED NY Giants. The previous year's SUPERBOWL CHAMPION NY Giants.

And we beat them.

The Cleveland Browns won.

We really did.

Really.

Yes, the team whose official motto is There's always next year beat a kick ass team.

I love this game.

My grandma will be the next President

2008-10-12T20:13:00.008-04:00

For some reason Kayla is hell-bent to see John McCain into office. Actually, I do know the reason. She's decided that older means wiser and since John McCain is older than Barack Obama he must have a better handle on the issues.

For weeks now Kayla has been singing the praises of John McCain in all his glory (meanwhile I throw up a little in my mouth). Finally Brett said, "So you think John McCain is better because he's older, right?"

"Yep!"

"Well, you know Nanny is even older than John McCain." ('Nanny' is my grandmother who, at 78, has a kickin' case of dementia.)

"She is?

"Yes, honey, she is. And that also means that Nanny is more qualified to be President than John McCain."

For the rest of the night nary a word is mentioned about McCain and we can actually see the wheels turning in Kayla's head. She's really mulling this over, picturing the world with Nanny as president.

The next morning she apparently decided that hell would have to freeze over for Nanny to become president so it's all McCain, all the time again. Whoopee.

Sorry, Obama, the Webkinz have spoken

2008-10-12T09:33:00.001-04:00

Kayla showed me the results of the poll she took and it's over, Obama. Every single Webkinz that Kayla has, and that number is very high, my friend, is voting for the McCain/Palin ticket. You can go home now.

It's that time of year again.

2008-10-10T15:49:00.005-04:00

I love the idea of taking our kids to a pumpkin patch. Every fall when the weather turns chilly in the morning and delightfully sunny in the afternoon I start to get that itch. No, not that itch, the other one. When you desperately want to break out the Halloween decorations but decorum makes you wait until October actually arrives. (Well, I wait for October; I think the rest of my neighborhood throws them up mid August.) Anyway, it's about that time when I think about how much fun it would be to pack all the kids into the van and spend a day at the pumpkin patch.

The past few years we've gone to Nickajack Farms but this year I felt like something more low key. I had a 'let's keep it simple' mindset. This year we went to Adams Strawberry Patch in Navarre. They are much smaller and a whole lot less crowded. For some reason I thought they were a pick-your-own pumpkin patch, but, sadly, that wasn't the case. I mean, how fun is a hay ride out to the field where you pick your own pumpkins? (Hey - I just thought of something. We pay these farmers big bucks for doing their work. Doesn't that put us a step below slave labor? At least they get paid something.) They did, however, have a corn maze. Oh, okay. You caught me. A corn path. But the kids loved it anyway and ran through it a good six or seven (dozen) times. I went through twice and then I was pooped. They may have shorter legs but those buggers are fast.

After I thought I'd worn them out enough to not scare the woman watching the pumpkin stand, we went over to the hoards of pumpkins. I told the kids they had free reign to choose whichever pumpkins they wanted for themselves. Let the wild rumpus begin! There may have been only four of us there but it sounded like an arena full of children, all screaming in unison, "Mom! Mom! MOM! HEEEEEEEYYYYYYY!" Kayla found hers pretty quickly. She's a go-getter, that one. Alec busied himself rearranging all the pumpkins and Ryan didn't want any that were dirty. Maybe I better lay off on my anal retentive tendencies. Alec finally chose his bestest pumpkin ever and Ryan settled on a teeny tiny little pie pumpkin. We also got some small gourds and miniature straw bales for decoration and when we finally left, I'm pretty sure the woman applauded. Or fainted.

We got home, unloaded everything and proudly displayed it in front of our house. And the kiddos, every last one of 'em, were finally tired. My job was done.

Now, who wants to have a bonfire with me?

A cow, a brick, and the 1974 Olympic games

2008-10-07T16:22:00.002-04:00

So Kayla comes home today bursting at the seams to tell me about an exercise they did in school called, "What's the Main Idea?" The thought behind it is she lists 3 things and I am supposed to figure out what those things have in common. It went a little something like this:

KAYLA: Billy, nanny, kid?
ME: They're all goats

KAYLA: Eggs, your eyes, laundry
ME: Uhhhhh...?
KAYLA: They all have whites!

This went on (and on and on) with about 20 examples, all done in school and all making sense once she told me the answers. Then she decided to make one up.

KAYLA: Plastic, water bottle, paper.
ME: They all should be recycled.
KAYLA: (like I'm a complete idiot) No!!!
ME: They all can be seen in this house.
KAYLA: Mom, no! Sheesh!
ME: I have no idea.
KAYLA: They all can be made into a vehicle.
ME: blank stare
KAYLA: Plastic, well they take that to a factory and melt it down and make car parts out of it. Water bottles, you can cut wheels out of paper and glue it to the sides of the water bottle and push it, vrooom, and there you go. And you can draw a car, truck, or whatever on a piece of paper and there's your vehicle. Ta-da!
ME: blank stare

Have I mentioned she's in the gifted classes at school? And that I wonder about their testing methods?

Stop right here if you're easily offended!

2008-10-01T11:01:00.002-04:00

I mean it. Don't read any further than this. Ok, this. Stop it! I'm serious! Quit reading!!! All right, I'll settle for not suing me because, let's face it, I warned you to stop. This is a dirty joke (albeit not the filthiest I've ever heard) sent to me by my mother. Yes, my mother.

A woman was in a coma.
She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, as crazy as this sounds,
maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

Yup, Spanish for sure

2008-09-14T20:27:00.003-04:00

While listening to the wind howl from the remnants of Ike, we (of course) have the Cleveland Browns game on. We're playing our arch rival, Pittsburgh. Kayla notices a player on the Pittsburgh team has really (and I mean REALLY) long hair. But that's not all. My super-observant kid has spotted something else. Something most of us would never see. And here is the conversation with Brett.

KAYLA: "Hey dad. The guy with the long hair? I think he's Spanish."

DAD: "Oh yeah? How can you tell?"

KAYLA: "His name sounds Spanish to me."

DAD: "What's his name?"

KAYLA: "Chris."

Fair Fare

2008-09-02T15:43:00.008-04:00

I am TIRED!!! I spent all week at the county fair. Two of those days (in a row, I might add) were from ten in the morning until 10:30 at night. Go ahead. Ask me why I did it. I dare you. I double DOG dare you.

Ok, I'll tell you. Since you asked and all.

I recently became a rep with Miche Bag. (It's all right, I'll sit here quietly whilst you check out the link. Back now? I KNOW! How friggin' cool IS that thing?) See, since I'm a SAHM and our income has recently dropped by about half since we had to sell our restaurant, I needed to do something to pull in some cash. Preferably something other than hooking but something from home, nonetheless. Enter Miche and their incredibly ingenious bag. So to get the word out, I booked a booth at the county fair and there I sat. All. Week. Long.

Don't get me wrong. Word spread like wildfire about Miche bags and we did fantastic. My mom got accosted at a store by an excited woman asking if those were the bags she saw at the fair. However, some of the things I saw there made my eyes want to crawl back into their sockets and never come out again. I'm sure you know what I mean so I won't go into it. Aww hell. Yes I will. Just this once. Things like the woman who went every bit of 450 pounds, had enough sweat on her to fill a large pond, and decided the most flattering top she owned was a plunging v-neck halter with a string back (picture one string tied at her neck and the other tied around the middle of her otherwise completely exposed back). Oh, and no bra.

Since I don't want to leave you with that image, I'll leave you with this one instead. If you're interested in learning more about Miche, shoot me an email at lburlingame@michebagshows.com and I will hook ya up.

You Betcha I'm That Immature

2008-08-27T09:06:00.003-04:00

So I'm watching the Today Show's coverage this morning about the Democratic National Convention. One of the stories is about Mrs. Biden, who, by Mr. Biden's own words is "drop dead gorgeous", has a doctorate in English, and is a professor at a local college. They also interview some of her friends, one of whom is named Mary Doody. And, yes, I giggled like an 8 year old boy at the name Doody. Forget politics, the future of our children and nation as a whole. I mean, c'mon. Seriously? They want to do a serious piece and yet they interview someone named Doody?

Crap.

This is so my cat

2008-08-15T17:11:00.001-04:00

So, a funny thing happened the other day...

2008-08-14T20:11:00.000-04:00

Cell phones, whether you want them to be or not, are part of our lives. I remember when it was strange to see someone walking down the street, apparently talking to no one, until, finally, you saw the cell phone (the size of your forearm - remember? Huh? You remember those, right?) stuck to the side of their head. But it's so common now that most times random conversations aren't even a blip on our radar.

And then there's the ones that make you go, "Whaaaaaa?"

As my kids and I ate lunch at a local deli, soaking up some late summer sun, a 20-ish girl bopped by, talking on her phone, and said (I swear), "She just rubbed some cream on his butt and he stopped growling."

Snort

Guffaw

BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Or maybe you had to be there.

In other news, it's almost time for the county fairs. Yes, plural. As in more than one. We go to three, in fact. Why? I ask myself that every year. Especially since my daughter Just HAS TO HAVE one of those huge inflatable hammers that squeaks whenever you smack something with it, which is usually one of her brother's heads. I hate that thing. I also hate that fairs also mean we will be killing a goldfish or three, depending on how many Kayla wins in that 'toss a ping pong ball into the fishbowl' game (like the fish aren't neurotic enough, now hundreds of people are throwing something at them that, by the fish's perception, is the size of a small planet). We have the smell of death on us and the goldfish know it. Just watch them when we step up to the booth; you can see them quiver in fear. Seriously, you can. Just squint a little.

But thinking about the upcoming fairs reminds me of last year when everyone, except for Brett, got poison ivy. My arm looked like I was an extra in"Night of the Living Dead", Kayla and Alec only got a few spots, but poor Ryan must've rubbed his eye before I could wash him. He looked awful. Any worse and Sally Struthers would've been there.

I took the clan to the fair anyway, gooey spots and all (don't worry, the hospital staff told me the scabs aren't contagious). As we walked around, two of the sweetest looking elderly ladies stopped us and "oooooo'd" and aaahhhhhh'd" at the boys. We also got the usual barrage of questions and comments: "Are they twins?", "I'll bet you've got your hands full," "Double trouble, huh?" Blah-de-freakin'-dah. Then one cocked her heat at Ryan and asked, "What's wrong with him?" so I explained about the poison ivy.

"Ohhhhhhhhh"

They each began telling me about sure-fire cures. One swore by a pill her pharmacist gave her when she got it on her ankles. The other told me I couldn't go wrong with Preparation H. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, the one who looked like she just got done baking fresh chocolate chip cookies leaned in close and whispered, "My daughter got it once in her vagina."

I crossed my legs and doubled over like a man who just got nailed in the nards. And I asked, oh God, I asked it out loud before I could stop myself, "How did THAT happen?!?" And in my head, DON'T ANSWER THAT! LALALALALALALALAAAAAAAAA!!! Thankfully she didn't go into it. But I still wonder why do people say crap like that to total strangers? Do I look like someone who has a keen interest in vaginal poison ivy cases? I never thought so, but now I'm not so sure.

ANYway, because of these two incidents, I'm inspired to write a list each Monday of funny things I've either overheard or people have outright told me. And you? Don't be shy. Share 'em if ya got 'em.

What's in a Name

2008-08-05T07:30:00.000-04:00

Before I get to the heart of this post, did I tell you I had a birthday last Sunday? Yup. It happened. Another year buzzed by me so fast I've got windburn on my butt. I am now thirty-six. Thirty-freakin'-six. Thirty-SIX. THIRTY-six. Thirtysixthirtysixthirtysixthirty... Sigh. If you can't tell, I'm starting to plan my nervous breakdown. Forget forty being the new thirty; now that I'm closer to forty, that sounds like a huge load of crap. But I digress.

I'll bet you've been wondering, "Why choose 'Five Left Feet' for the name of a blog?" Let's just say I love my family dearly, but we have got to be the most uncoordinated bunch I've ever bumped (literally) into. I have never seen people trip over nothing, drop everything, and run into things that have been in place for years more than we do. Let's start with Kayla just because she does it most often. Yes, she really does fall off the sofa while watching TV. She also falls off her dining chair a lot. One minute she's elbow deep in spaghetti; the next minute she's gone, laying on the floor grinning sheepishly at us. She got a huge bruise on her head during a kindergarten field trip to a park. When I was told she walked into the swing set I understood it as she walked in front of a kid while he was swinging. Turns out she literally smacked right into the swing set pole. I asked her if she'd been looking at something else off to the side and she said, "Nope. Just didn't see it."

I'm convinced both Ryan and Alec have knees that are magnetically drawn to our driveway. And it's spreading up their little bodies to their foreheads. Every year I'm amazed when they have any skin left on their knees. And they've both had stitches already. Ryan climbed halfway up our swing set ladder, changed his mind and turned to come back down. Problem was, his foot got stuck between the rungs and he pitched forward hitting his bottom lip and splitting it open. Alec loves to spin with his arms wide open and one evening while doing just that at my parent's house, he made himself just dizzy enough to fall onto their glass coffee table.

As for Brett & myself, after almost three years of living in our house, we still can't figure out where the walls are. I'm completely unable to walk through a doorway without clipping a side. I figure I've unconsciously told myself that I've gained too much weight and slowly chipping away at my shoulders will take care of that. I can only hope.

A Whole Sea of Seeing Double

2008-08-04T16:00:00.000-04:00

Yeah, we did it. We went to Twins Days in Twinsburg, Ohio on Saturday. I took the family last year when the boys were only 2-1/2 (and by "I", I mean I drug my mom with me) and it wasn't too bad; or at least enough time had passed for me not to remember the hellish, sweat-sodden day of screaming. The festival which celebrates multiple births in all it's glory occurs annually on the first weekend of August. Any and all multiples (twins, triplets, quads, more if ya got 'em, identical, fraternal, young, old, whatever) and their families are all welcome to come running. And run we did. In large numbers. All 16,000-ish of them on Saturday, and that was just the multiples who registered. Not like my slacker family who just anonymously usurped the fun.

This year I roped Brett into coming along with my mom, me, and our kids. We (I) decided it would be fun to get there early to see the parade which kicks off in the town square promptly at 9:00 am. And since not a single one of my offspring wanted the nutritious yet delicious breakfast I made for them at home, their first official meal of the day consisted of an equal number of Tootsie Rolls, Tootsie Pops, and Jolly Ranchers that were thrown from parade floats. Yup, that means my kids were sugared up and buzzing by 9:30. That would be 9:30 IN...THE...MORNING. Dear God, what have I done?

All in all, even despite the breakfast goodies, we had a pretty good day. We stopped by the Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome Foundation tent, and any of you who have been touched by this disease know what a blessing Mary and her family are. Please stop by their page, learn about the disease, and show the Foundation some love. We also did some shopping and ate far more food than ought to be allowed by law. Lastly, I would just like to say how surreal it is to be surrounded by that many people who look alike. We're used to having one original and one carbon copy in our family and we now completely ignore all of you who stop, stare, whisper and point. "Oh, honey, look! It's twins!" "Betcha that's double trouble." "So, how do you tell them apart?" But being in a crowd of 'em? That's just weird. I have a feeling that every single person who ever stopped and looked at us would be so overloaded at Twins Days that their heads would collectively explode.

And so here we are at the festival. Hope to see some of you there next year.

And for the record, I know I look pregnant in this picture, but don't loose any sleep over it. It was just the way the wind was blowing making my dress look all poofy-like. I swear. Really. Or maybe I really am that fat. But I am most certainly NOT pregnant.

Well Hi There

2008-08-01T14:53:00.000-04:00

Good to meet'cha. My, don't you have a firm handshake? I'd like to welcome you to my wonderful world of chaos. What's that? You have enough of that in your own home? Well, I like to think chaos is like jello; there's always room for more, right? Right. And technically, this won't be your chaos. You just get to read about it and be thrilled to pieces that it's not going on in your house. But I'm a generous person by nature and I'll share mine with you if you want. I'll be glad to give you whole heaps of it, actually.

This, like most blogs, is going to be about me and the people around me. I'm self-absorbed like that. I've been with my husband, Brett for almost 11 years now and we have 3 fan-freaking-tastic children. Kayla, our oldest, just turned seven in June. She'll be starting 2rd grade in 2-1/2 weeks. She is also (apparently) one of those kids who is amazingly book-smart but has absolutely no common sense whatsoever. More (a LOT more) on this later. She's in the gifted program in her school but more often than not, Brett and I look at each other and wonder if they mixed up her test scores. Then there's our 3-1/2 year old identical twin boys, Ryan and Alec. Love 'em to pieces even though every day is like having two over-caffeinated ferrets in the house. They'll be starting preschool soon, but not soon enough. Whatever will I do with my free time? Oh I've got plans, my friend. Big plans.

Sidebar. I want you to re-read the part about Kayla being placed in gifted classes. Read it slow. Absorb it. Why? Because I want you to know that she just fell off the couch. She wasn't jumping, wrestling, rolling around while napping, or any of that. She was sitting perfectly still watching a movie. Yup. And I've seen it happen before. Scary, ain't it?

I guess I'll end our introductions now. Please, mingle with the other guests and enjoy yourself. There are mojitos over there, champagne, wine, and beer in the other corner, and I'm hiding the hard liquor for myself. I need it more.